Moving on from a bad breakup is nothing like how they show it in romantic comedy movies and television series. It’s impossible for someone to magically heal a broken heart after watching a sad movie while eating a tub of ice cream and crying all night.
In reality, mourning a lost love can be agonizing and may feel like being stuck at rock bottom. Those first few weeks can make you feel like your world has crumbled in. During this whole time, you find yourself falling into self-destructive patterns.
Why moving on is so hard
The people in your life must have advised you that there are more fish in the sea (sometimes just at the palm of our hands through our favorite dating apps) now that you’re fresh out of a bad breakup. But why is it so difficult to toss a new net already?
Falling in love involves the same neural circuitry as cocaine addiction. We get used to intaking that fix or that feel-good substance—which in this case, is that person and relationship in our lives—that when you break up, it’s like you’re in a drug withdrawal. But, over time, through practice, self-control, and trying new things, you will eventually heal.
Similarly, we grew up in a world that stresses “forever” as a relationship goal—where an ending must be a letdown. But, don’t despair. Breakups are often the shocking prelude to a new and improved life (one that can hopefully, finally, include a life with someone you complement with).
How to Move On from a Bad Breakup
While moving on seems like miles away, the very fact that you’re here is already a win. Your next step? Take in these tips we got for you.
These guides aren’t stages, though, but a universal pattern—a map. So, take your time and go through a phase that seems right at the time.
1. Give yourself time to feel the pain
An end of a relationship, one that you’ve invested your heart and mind to, is heartwrenching. You just lost a significant part of your life, someone who’s been a constant feature in it. You shared your dreams and envisioned a future with them. And, realizing that won’t be happening can be distressing.
If you’re fresh out of a breakup, grieve. Give yourself time to feel the pain. Have your breakdowns, if you must. Bawl if it’s too much, and eat that whole tub of ice cream if it’s the only thing bringing you comfort.
“Anger and sadness are sometimes two sides of the same coin,” says Clinical Psychologist at the University of Windsor Dr. Antonio Pascual-Leone said in his TEDx talk. So, it’s perfectly okay to feel sad one day, in denial the next, angry the following day, and back to feeling miserable. Let yourself drown in sadness because otherwise, you’ll only have difficulty moving on.
2. Distance yourself—online or IRL
Going through a breakup in a time where social media can be your stalking tool can be very tempting. So, have a social media detox if you feel enticed to check your ex’s whereabouts online. It’s also best to delete their number—although it might be useless if you already memorized it—if you’re itching to call them.
While it can be temporarily satisfying to fulfill your curiosity by stalking them online or contacting them, it might not make you feel good in the long run. It’s especially true when you find out your ex seems to be moving on more quickly than you.
Moreover, you placed all your happy moments on your social media page. You may have already uploaded your milestones online, from romantic dinner dates to spontaneous adventures. And, having a reminder of those days may bring you more pain.
Additionally, it’s best not to stay friends—at least for a while. Let your heart heal first and get accustomed to the idea that you’re no longer together. Staying friends with your ex may make it more challenging to rebuild yourself or open your heart to someone new.
Staying friends with your ex may make it more challenging to rebuild yourself or open your heart to someone new.
3. Go out with your friends
Moving on from a heartbreak is distressing, so don’t do it alone. Go out with friends and talk about it as much as you can until it no longer hurts.
It’s also best to just let your friends drag you, to wherever, for hangouts or parties. Post-breakup, your brain is looking for that feel-good substance you used to enjoy from hanging out with your ex. So, go out on a date with your best friends and try to stay away from painful thoughts.
The great thing about having a support system is that they’ll listen and stay beside you while you mourn your lost love. But, once they feel it’s time for you to move on, they’ll help pull you out of rock bottom and regain yourself.
4. Let go of lingering bad feelings
When you repeatedly replay the breakup scene, you tend to play the blame game and hold a grudge. You might find yourself bearing your emotional baggage or unfinished business. All this will be destructive to your healing process.
So, let go of your ex and forgive them for hurting you—or yourself for breaking their heart.
5. Embark on a new and solo adventure
“Travel can help heal a broken heart,” says Dr. Jessica O’Reilly. “…as it changes your routine and ensures that your brain changes in response to novelty.”
So, moving on from a bad breakup also involves a fresh pace in a new place. No—you don’t have to do it like the movie Eat, Pray, and Love.
You can always start by breaking your routine. Instead of spending your weekends on your couch all day, this time, go someplace else.
